Here it is, damn near the middle of December and I'm still unemployed...who'da thunk it? Not I, thats for sure. 6 months ago my life made sense, I was starting a big project that would hopefully be saving the lives of undernourished infants in the city that I lived in and perhaps eventually in that entire region of the country. 6 months ago I was learning and improving my ability to speak my second and third languages, building a network of contacts in my community and all over the country of Mauritania, planning trips to Mali and The Gambia, pinching myself every night because I never imagined that my life would lead me there, and thankful every day that it had.
Fast forward to today.
I still pinch myself a lot, because I just can't believe how much everything has changed. I spend my days baking, reading, watching TV, doing yoga on the living room floor with my dogs chewing on my hair, and looking for jobs online. I'm less thankful now, for the way things have turned out, because I'm not anywhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I'm getting emails and phonecalls informing me about the death of my beloved dog in Mauritania, and then later and even more heartbreaking, the death of my sitemates youngest host sister who was no more than a year and a half old. I look at our flat screen tv's and stereo systems and refridgerator and computers and I feel like I should be so thankful for all that I have here, but being here, surrounded by it, only makes me greedy for more. My laptop died and I want a new one, my camera is filled with saharan sand and I'm pining for a new one, my phone freezes up because of its old age and I can't wait for the new contract to begin so that I can replace it. These wants, this greed, this never existed for me in Mauritania. When you are surrounded by the incredibly poor you inevidably look at yourself as crazy rich, even if the only thing that sets you apart is the freedom to buy 1000UM phone cards whenever you want when the locals can only afford 3 or 400UM every few months, and always during a bonus.
This might not make sense to some of you but I wanted to try to express some of the conflict in my head right now, if for no other reason than the potential that putting it into words could help me learn from it. This holiday season I want to make sure that I am thankful for the right things, that I don't let my greed get the best of me with mile long wish lists that would make even the most lavish holiday fall short of expectations. It's not what you give that makes christmas special, its not about the best gift, the prettiest tree, the brightest lights, the most decadent feast. It's about the warmest heart, the biggest smile, and being together. This year I feel incredibly undeserving of all the wonderful things my family has done for me, helping me with my car, my cell phone, and supporting me for 6 months when I'm just plain not doing anything for anybody. This year I'm happy to have my family around me, my friends support and love, my Mauritanian family and friends, who are all in my heart right now even though I still haven't found the strength to call them. This year I'll have a white Christmas, watching the snowflakes fall always helps to calm my mind and bring a smile to my face.
So this year, during this magical season of falling snow and twinkling lights, I ask only this: When you have a complaint on your lips, about anything at all, stop it before it comes out and replace it with something that you are thankful for, because we all have a lot, even my friends over there living in the sahel with no more than a mud brick hut and a cooking pot, we all have something to be thankful for. I promise that I will do my best to do the same, I promise to do my best not to whine about my unemployed loafing lifestyle thats just plain driving me crazy, I promise to try not to mention that some of my clothes don't fit, because I have clothes, I promise to try not to complain about my dead computer, because it was alive and served me well for nearly 6 wonderful years so what more can I ask of it? I promise to remember that now I have a bed and a bedroom, a family who loves me, more food than I even need or could ever eat, a winter coat, a wonderful little car that gets me where I need to go, and so much more.
I have complained a lot since I've been home, I've complained about listening to other people complain, I've complained about what I have and what I wish I had and what I don't even really want. I've complained about not being able to afford the life I'm living, when the ones paying for it aren't complaining at all. I've been ungrateful, and negative, and sad since I've been home and I just need to stop. Its no ones fault that I am where I am and no one deserves to listen to me moan and groan. Furthermore I have realized that my complaining makes others feel bad, inspires a feeling of helplessness in myself and those around me, makes people consider things they wouldn't normally offer, and I am totally undeserving of their charity.
So thats my promise and my gift to the world at large, to try my best to cut it out, and I hope you'll all join me in dismissing our complaints, whatever they may be.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Bonne Tabaski pour les Mauritaniens, and Happy Holidays!
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