I've hit a wall.

I've had the wind knocked out of me.  I read my horoscope today and it told me this would happen, it literally said that the wind would be knocked out of me soon, but somehow I was still surprised.  I was at the dinner table with my folks, talking about my impending move and dreaming about purchasing a functioning stereo for my car, when I had the nerve to crunch some numbers.  Never a good idea, especially not when you've been keeping a blog called UNEMPLOYED in a small town for nearly 3 years now, but I plugged on, hoping I could find money in my budget to purchase an $89.99 stereo that would let me listen to my i-pod in my car.  What I found was this: I can't afford to leave home.

Lets briefly recap my life, for those of you know who don't know me well.  I graduated from college in 2008 with a degree in environmental engineering.  I turned down at least 2 standing job offers to join the Peace Corps because I "wanted to help people."  I moved to West Africa for 15 months, where I learned more from the experience than anyone learned from me, and was evacuated before my project got off the ground.  (It wasn't a complete loss though, my project inspired my local partners to continue with it even though I'm not there anymore...and I can say good morning in 5 languages!)  Evacuation from Peace Corps thrust me back into the now floundering US economy where I spent 6 months job hunting and eventually landed an AmeriCorps volunteer position that gave me the three things I thought I needed most in a job: student loan forbearance, health insurance, and a chance to pseudo-finish the 2-year volunteer commitment I had made to Peace Corps.  I did that for a year and had a fantastic time; I learned so much, I experienced so much, met so many great people, and I learned all about restoration and environmental conservation work and that went on to inspire me to alter my career goals from engineering to conservation and restoration.  After that I had an opportunity to drive back home to VT with a friend, and since I had no clear career plans where I was, I jumped at the chance to go on a two week road trip across the country with one of my best friends.  Half way home I decided I didn't really want to spend much time there, and neither did she, so she called in some favors and landed us a job in St. Thomas at a hotel.  Six months I lived down in paradise with some great friends and a decent job.  I enjoyed it a lot, but one thing that I struggled with and that eventually drove me to head home, was the lack of meaning.  I need to have a purpose, and I don't feel right unless I'm working toward something that I believe in.  So, once again, I packed my bags and headed for the frozen north, home to my folks, to regroup.  I've been at home since, working at a ski resort and trying to get my ducks back in a row.  I'm planning on staying here until my brother's wedding in June and then had fully planned on moving on, to something undoubtedly new and exciting and as of yet, undiscovered.

For four years now I have been a professional job seeker, adventurer, and often full time volunteer.  I have also been broke.  I never thought it mattered until tonight.  Money has never registered high on my list of priorities, I can live very cheaply when I need to and I am very proud of that.  Today though, I took a step back and looked at my life.  I'm 26 now.  I haven't been to a doctor, dentist, or eye doctor in over a year, I'm still wearing focus daily contacts that I bought a 6 month supply of 4 years ago and have made last until...now, I don't have glasses because I broke the pair I got before college a few years ago and haven't replaced them, I'm running in the same running shoes I bought 8 years ago, a lot of my clothes have holes in them, I wear leggings every day because I can't afford jeans, and there are at least 4 things wrong with my car that I'm just not going to fix.  My net worth, all I own, minus all I owe in student loans, is negative $20,000.

All of a sudden tonight, I realized that money does matter to me.  Not in the way that I thought it would either, the old clothes, beater car, and questionable optical practices don't bother me.  Mostly I just want to stop relying on the kindness of others to keep myself afloat.  I'm not a sponge, and I desperately want independence, because no one should have to pay for my choice to live this way but me.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I found myself crying in my pea soup at the dinner table tonight.  My poor parents, stunned to silence, just watched, with no idea what to say.  And what should they say?  We're sorry that you've selected this life for yourself?  We have let you live here rent free, utility free, even fed you, for the last 6 months (not to mention the first 18 years of your life), but is there anything else we can do?  We whole-heartedly supported you in all of your insane pipe dreams, we held our breath and our tongues when you boarded a plane for West Africa at 22, picked you up at the airport when you gave us 12 hours notice that you were being evacuated and would be on our doorstep the next day, we funded your road trip out on your random move to Cali for yet another volunteer job, we bailed you out when your shitty car crapped out on you in Cali, we sent care packages to you while you were playing in the virgin islands, and we STILL pay your cell phone bill, but how can we make this easier for you?

So when I put it like that I sound a bit ungrateful...but I think I have been a bit ungrateful.  It's not as though I'm irresponsible, I rarely ask for help when I'm not living at home, but I have taken this home for granted, and I have forgotten to be appropriately thankful for it. I have always had this place as my fall back, but I have forgotten to acknowledge how lucky I am to have that.  So tonight my horoscope has won, it said the wind would be knocked out of me and it was, but it also said I needed it.  It said that this would be a good thing, that I would learn from it and move on, no worse for the wear.  Well horoscope, I'm not usually a strong believer in what you have to say, but this week you hit the nail on the head.  I cried, I whined, I felt sorry for myself, I did all those things you are supposed to do when life slaps you in the face.  Now though, I know what my challenges are, I've had my setback, and I'm going to move forward, no worse for the wear.  I'm intelligent, I learn from my mistakes, I work hard, and there is no reason why I can't learn how to be a slightly more responsible version of myself.

So thank you, to everyone who has held me up, helped me out, and reminded me how lucky I am. Thank you to my parents, for doing all of those things, and listening to me whine about it all along the way.  Thank you to my brother, who has done so much for me over the years that I can't even begin to make it up to him.  Thank you to everyone who has ever been there for me when I needed them.  I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, and I am so excited to get myself back on my feet and back out into the world, and to start paying back some of the favors that I owe.

I'm not giving up, I am going to move out.  I can't afford it now, but I'm going to make it affordable, because I'm an adult, and as tricky as it can seem, taking responsibility for your life is not impossible.  I'm going to take a deep breath, find a paying job to get me through the next few months, and then follow my dreams on my own dime.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -Maria Robinson

(this is a repeat photo, because sunrises just make me feel so empowered!) 

Thanks for listening...well...reading.  

Onward and Upward

I have officially departed St. Thomas.  Bittersweet as always, I look forward to moving on but if I wasn't sad about leaving than I would have done it a long time ago.  I had a great time with a lot of great people whom I will miss intensely.  I learned a lot about hotels and hotel management and island living, and so much more.  I get a little misty every time I think about the fact that I can't just pop over to St. John on my day off anymore, every time I think about what I'm going to miss this winter (Gremlin's Birthday first and foremost, but also the beginnings of my friend's new business, all the boat trips, discovery days, and local events), whenever I think about all the fantastic friendships that I made there, and every time I consider how freaking cold it's going to be at home!

So here I am, unemployed and adventuring once again...first big question I need to tackle: to go abroad again or stay in the US...or maybe another US territory...Guam anyone?  Next:  to grad school or not to grad school?  And finally, if yes on grad school, what exactly do I want to study?  I know I already have plenty of options open with just a bachelor's in engineering and if I study something different but similar it would open up new doors without closing existing ones - so for me that would be ideal, the more doors the merrier!  I love doors!  Options are my favorite, except for times like now, when I am paralyzed with indecision at all the options that I do have.  I think the most important thing I need to remember right now is that all of my options are not going to pan out, that's life, so perhaps I should just apply for every single thing I am considering and see what I get before I get too caught up in making up my mind.  For that I will need a list of everything I want to do (or what I want to do the most right now because I'm pretty sure making a list of everything I want to do is impossible...because I would like to do everything eventually...) So here goes:

Grad School - either here or abroad, in an environmentally or developmentally relevant field either in the state or abroad....if I go abroad I would like to go to either England, Ireland, Australia, or perhaps Poland or Belgium or somewhere else entirely....

Job - entry level environmental engineering job...sounds tempting but also very scary because that had the ring of career to it, and if I'm finding something career worthy I damn well better love it.  So in this area I have every right to be, and definitely will be picky.

Volunteer - You all know my Peace Corps term got cut short...it was pretty devastating in the moment, but now that I've had a few years to work and travel and generally work towards recovering from that, I think I might be up for another go...I also adored AmeriCorps and would be just plum thrilled to do that again for the right opportunity as well.

Short Term Job - temporary solution, all about having money in the here and now.  Tempting, as something to hold me over in the moment, but also tough to commit to because it can make things so easy in the moment that its hard to move on to the bigger future-making and goal-relevant type ventures.  I have done this a bunch of times (ie. Seasonal trail guide, UPS holiday helper, sales person at pet store, grocery store sale tag changer, etc) and every time it gets me through the moment but also slows down the real hunt for my next adventure (with the exception of the grocery store one, I hated that job so much it made the hunt for a new adventure more furious and I put in my notice 3 weeks early because I just couldn't wait).

And those are just the broad categories of options, within those categories there are a million possibilities!  I love potential, it's like all the things you are capable of being and doing quietly waiting for you to reach out and pick one thing to strive for.  The important thing is that whatever I do next I give it all I've got, and learn everything I can from it, because that is what life is all about!

Wondering what I'm doing now?  Hanging out at my friends place in Tampa, FL, dreading my return to the great frozen north, and playing with her puppy dog while she's at work.  Got a few excellent shots of little Gizmo yesterday...included below.  Taking pictures is my favorite.  Someday I'll make that my job, when I win the lottery.  For now - Gizmo glamour shots are still a hobby!

New Adventures!

As usual, my enthusiasm is building for new adventures and the possibility of more fulfilling work.  I always start a job hunt with such optimism!  Of course there is no other way, optimism is essential to surviving the semi-employed life.  I took (and totally owned) the GREs on Thursday and while I don't get my official scores until November, I'm (as usual) pretty optimistic.  I'm hoping to meet with professors at a number of different grad schools until I find a program that will (1) let me work outdoors for the rest of my days, I just can't bear to be a full time desk jockey for any kind of long term assignment, (2) inspire me and encourage me, I just want to do good, rewarding work.  Is that so much to ask? And (3) not double my student loans, ideally I'd like to get rid of those suckers some day, and unless I stop adding to them that may never happen.  So, onwards I go, to work or grad school, or to study and take the FE in the spring and then get an engineering job, or to do or go wherever else the wind might take me.  I can't wait. 

I'm leaving this beautiful little rock in the middle of the ocean known as St. Thomas in just under 2 very short weeks to go celebrate a friends birthday with her in Florida and then on home a week later.  I'm looking for work in Vermont so I can put some money away while I am living at home and keep working on my student loans.  Money down here has gotten quite tight and it was certainly time to throw the towel in.  So now, during my final 2 weeks, I am trying to get as much last minute  adventuring in for as little cost as possible, all the while also trying to work as many hours as possible to put away a bit of cash for Florida.  My life is a fabulous give and take resting on a delicate balance of funds and possibilities that I just adore.  I have never once gotten in over my head, I have learned my limits and limited my spending and worked hard to become as financially independent as possible and loved every minute of it. 

So now, back to the old job hunt and back home to bake some bread and walk my doggies, and to try to work my butt off, if I can find a job that will let me.  See you soon Vermont, in all your below freezing glory.  Goodbye beautiful Caribbean, white sand beaches and shiny sunshine...you're amazing, but just not for me.  I can't wait to have seasons back! 

An Airplane over Charlotte Amalie Harbor

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

I'm not sure where September when, but today's date assures me that the month is pretty much over, despite my disbelief.  And with the close of September comes the close of my time here in St. Thomas.  I have made the extremely difficult decision to leave (despite several lucrative offers to stay) after completing a person budget and coming to terms with the fact that living here at this stage in my life is not a wise financial decision (damn you student loans!).  So, once again, it's home for a regroup and new plans coming soon.  This time, more than any other, I am seriously considering grad school as a possible option (because I obviously don't have enough student loans already...) and have even gone so far as to sing up for the GRE.  I'll be one of the very first lucky idiots to be taking the new revised test, so grad school admissions folks - if you are reading this keep in mind that scores ALWAYS go down after a major change in the test, I'm smarter than my score will most likely make me look.  Reassuring right?  Not.

So, here I am, as per my usual, standing at the precipice of some new big adventure, waiting for the fog to clear and show me just exactly what it will be.  For now it's memory sharing time, here are the things that St. Thomas allowed me to check off of my bucket list: 

1. Live on an island.  Self explanatory, awesome, enough said.
2. Take a picture of a lightning bolt.  We all know I'm a photography nerd so this was a very exciting development for me.
3. Snorkel in the Caribbean.  Spotted eagle rays, brain coral, sea turtles, starfish, tropical fish, urchins, and awesome-ness.  
4. Night Snorkel in the Caribbean.  Bio-luminescence is amazing, underwater flashlights are fun, and big shiny silver tarpin fish are not sharks.  Phew.  
5. Island Hop!  St. Thomas, St. John, Jost van Dyke, Tortola, and more.  Boats are fantastically fun toys in the islands.  
6. Enjoy fresh Coconuts, straight from the tree.  And watch very talented West Indian Rasta guys scale palm trees like they're playground toys.  
7. Experience a tropical storm/almost hurricane first hand.  Exciting, except not, when you work at a hotel these things usually mean canceled flights, equating to a very busy night in the office checking in disgruntled travelers in howling wind and pounding rain.  
8. Hiking to gorgeous views and plantation ruins, read about the history of the ruins and the islands.  Did you know that slavery was abolished in the USVI several years prior to it's abolition in the states, but several years after it was abolished in the BVI (British Virgin Islands).  Brave souls used to build rafts, steal away in boats, and some even swam the short distance from St. John to Tortola; anything for freedom.  
9. Share this adventure with my mom!  Very cool for my mom to get to come down here and experience this crazy place with me, it's the first time on of my immediate family members has been able to visit me on my travels and it was a really neat thing to share.  
10. Ride a ferris wheel on top of the world.  Or so it felt, swirling around on the edge of the steep hill that is paradise point.  
11. Night swimming; swimsuits optional.  Late night skinny dipping on secluded beaches with silly friends to cap off a fun night out?  Count me in!

I'm sure there's more but I'm too lazy to continue - the point is, I've had a very good run here.  Nothing sad about it ending, I'll come visit again someday and for now I have nothing but new and exciting things to look forward to.  I'm a lucky lucky girl.

 

 

brief hiatus

As you may or may not have noticed, I have not been posting lately.  That is because this week has been a headache of epic proportions.  Work is going great, and so naturally something else would have to go wrong right? right.  On Sunday night my room mate Reyna's cat was accidentally let out of the house after I went to bed and before she got home.  Reyna has had this cat for 5 years and she has never gotten out even once until about 2 weeks ago, when doors were being left open and Jicima started getting out with alarming frequency.  Conversations were had and notes left, but the problem did not resolve itself.  At this point we hold out little hope of ever finding Jicima (Tahoe offers many predators that make the hope of finding pets after even a few days almost futile).  This has been the last in a string of difficult personality differences between us and our third room mate and we gave up hope on that too.

The beautiful Jicima, may she someday find her way back to Rey.

Last night, against my better judgement, I followed my heart out the door and, with the help of a few friends, moved out of the house in a matter of hours.  Reyna and I stayed with a friend last night and will be spending the weekend in the San Francisco Bay at Reyna's family home.  We will be house-sitting and couch-surfing for most of the month of October and then will hopefully find a room to share somewhere.  Sharing a room will hopefully let us save money and recoup the losses we are taking on this move, the loss of our security deposits and the bills that we have already paid.

Anyway, during this period of limbo I will have trouble updating my blog regularly as I won't have consistent internet access, but I will do the best I can.  I am going to be getting my etsy store  up and running again hopefully.  I have posted some of my photos, all old ones, but I'm hoping to get some Tahoe photos up there soon too.  If you would like to buy something from my etsy store, send me a conversation on etsy saying that you read this blog entry and what you would like and i'll make a new listing for you with a $1.00 discount on the item (this offer expires at the end of the month).

Anyway, thats my life update for right now, and as I sit here in a little Cafe and drink my coffee and look out the window at all of my worldly possessions piled in my very small car, I feel oddly free.  I have nowhere to go and nowhere to be and my life (well most of it...) still fits in my honda civic.  I have my reservations, but I still think I made the right choice for me.  Its time for a new adventure, and despite the fact that I no longer have a kitchen to bake in or a bed to sleep in, I have some great friends and some big plans...and everything will be all right.

goodbyes

tomorrows moving day, goodbye placerville, goodbye apartment, goodbye EID, goodbye little Catcher (thats the little lady pictured below)

hello new beginings.

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