fail.

I took a picture yesterday, but I forgot to post.  I forgot to take a picture today, but I remembered to post.  I'm in the midst of an existential crisis, so you'll have to forgive me if I get a little scatter-brained.  Here is my dilemma:  I was thinking of doing a second year here, in AmeriCorps but I just found out that the job I have this year didn't get approved for a second year (not all that surprising since they wrote it for me when my first job fell through, but a let-down none the less).  That leaves me a few options:  I could aim for a different AmeriCorps position and stay in Cali (and be poor but probably pretty happy) for another year, I could go home and job hunt from Vermont while living with my (hopefully happy to have me again...) parents and hope for the best, I could stay here in Tahoe and put in my dues as a waitress or cashier or something until some job comes up here, or I could do something totally off the wall and move to Tampa or Austin or Ireland (for a job if there is one, or grad school, if I can decide what to study and justify the new loans).  So many options!  I keep telling myself that these options are something I should appreciate while I have them but all the uncertainty certainly takes its toll.

At times like this I start to feel a little less at home where I am every day, until I figure out where i'll be next and can finally relax again.  I paid nearly $200,000 for my degree and yet I can't seem to find something to do with it that would make me happy.  Is life about learning to settle?  Am I supposed to be learning that an office and a cubicle and several 400 page documents about wastewater and erosion control BMPs is the best I can do?  I hope not.  I won't settle for money and the mundane!  I want something that makes me feel good, I want to be proud of what I do, I want to be broke and happy...not financially sound and mentally miserable!  I hate that I live in a time and an economy when that is almost too much to ask for.  Perhaps another round of AmeriCorps is the best I can do right now...but i guess thats not so bad...

Photo for thought:

posted: 217
left: 148