I've hit a wall.

I've had the wind knocked out of me.  I read my horoscope today and it told me this would happen, it literally said that the wind would be knocked out of me soon, but somehow I was still surprised.  I was at the dinner table with my folks, talking about my impending move and dreaming about purchasing a functioning stereo for my car, when I had the nerve to crunch some numbers.  Never a good idea, especially not when you've been keeping a blog called UNEMPLOYED in a small town for nearly 3 years now, but I plugged on, hoping I could find money in my budget to purchase an $89.99 stereo that would let me listen to my i-pod in my car.  What I found was this: I can't afford to leave home.

Lets briefly recap my life, for those of you know who don't know me well.  I graduated from college in 2008 with a degree in environmental engineering.  I turned down at least 2 standing job offers to join the Peace Corps because I "wanted to help people."  I moved to West Africa for 15 months, where I learned more from the experience than anyone learned from me, and was evacuated before my project got off the ground.  (It wasn't a complete loss though, my project inspired my local partners to continue with it even though I'm not there anymore...and I can say good morning in 5 languages!)  Evacuation from Peace Corps thrust me back into the now floundering US economy where I spent 6 months job hunting and eventually landed an AmeriCorps volunteer position that gave me the three things I thought I needed most in a job: student loan forbearance, health insurance, and a chance to pseudo-finish the 2-year volunteer commitment I had made to Peace Corps.  I did that for a year and had a fantastic time; I learned so much, I experienced so much, met so many great people, and I learned all about restoration and environmental conservation work and that went on to inspire me to alter my career goals from engineering to conservation and restoration.  After that I had an opportunity to drive back home to VT with a friend, and since I had no clear career plans where I was, I jumped at the chance to go on a two week road trip across the country with one of my best friends.  Half way home I decided I didn't really want to spend much time there, and neither did she, so she called in some favors and landed us a job in St. Thomas at a hotel.  Six months I lived down in paradise with some great friends and a decent job.  I enjoyed it a lot, but one thing that I struggled with and that eventually drove me to head home, was the lack of meaning.  I need to have a purpose, and I don't feel right unless I'm working toward something that I believe in.  So, once again, I packed my bags and headed for the frozen north, home to my folks, to regroup.  I've been at home since, working at a ski resort and trying to get my ducks back in a row.  I'm planning on staying here until my brother's wedding in June and then had fully planned on moving on, to something undoubtedly new and exciting and as of yet, undiscovered.

For four years now I have been a professional job seeker, adventurer, and often full time volunteer.  I have also been broke.  I never thought it mattered until tonight.  Money has never registered high on my list of priorities, I can live very cheaply when I need to and I am very proud of that.  Today though, I took a step back and looked at my life.  I'm 26 now.  I haven't been to a doctor, dentist, or eye doctor in over a year, I'm still wearing focus daily contacts that I bought a 6 month supply of 4 years ago and have made last until...now, I don't have glasses because I broke the pair I got before college a few years ago and haven't replaced them, I'm running in the same running shoes I bought 8 years ago, a lot of my clothes have holes in them, I wear leggings every day because I can't afford jeans, and there are at least 4 things wrong with my car that I'm just not going to fix.  My net worth, all I own, minus all I owe in student loans, is negative $20,000.

All of a sudden tonight, I realized that money does matter to me.  Not in the way that I thought it would either, the old clothes, beater car, and questionable optical practices don't bother me.  Mostly I just want to stop relying on the kindness of others to keep myself afloat.  I'm not a sponge, and I desperately want independence, because no one should have to pay for my choice to live this way but me.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I found myself crying in my pea soup at the dinner table tonight.  My poor parents, stunned to silence, just watched, with no idea what to say.  And what should they say?  We're sorry that you've selected this life for yourself?  We have let you live here rent free, utility free, even fed you, for the last 6 months (not to mention the first 18 years of your life), but is there anything else we can do?  We whole-heartedly supported you in all of your insane pipe dreams, we held our breath and our tongues when you boarded a plane for West Africa at 22, picked you up at the airport when you gave us 12 hours notice that you were being evacuated and would be on our doorstep the next day, we funded your road trip out on your random move to Cali for yet another volunteer job, we bailed you out when your shitty car crapped out on you in Cali, we sent care packages to you while you were playing in the virgin islands, and we STILL pay your cell phone bill, but how can we make this easier for you?

So when I put it like that I sound a bit ungrateful...but I think I have been a bit ungrateful.  It's not as though I'm irresponsible, I rarely ask for help when I'm not living at home, but I have taken this home for granted, and I have forgotten to be appropriately thankful for it. I have always had this place as my fall back, but I have forgotten to acknowledge how lucky I am to have that.  So tonight my horoscope has won, it said the wind would be knocked out of me and it was, but it also said I needed it.  It said that this would be a good thing, that I would learn from it and move on, no worse for the wear.  Well horoscope, I'm not usually a strong believer in what you have to say, but this week you hit the nail on the head.  I cried, I whined, I felt sorry for myself, I did all those things you are supposed to do when life slaps you in the face.  Now though, I know what my challenges are, I've had my setback, and I'm going to move forward, no worse for the wear.  I'm intelligent, I learn from my mistakes, I work hard, and there is no reason why I can't learn how to be a slightly more responsible version of myself.

So thank you, to everyone who has held me up, helped me out, and reminded me how lucky I am. Thank you to my parents, for doing all of those things, and listening to me whine about it all along the way.  Thank you to my brother, who has done so much for me over the years that I can't even begin to make it up to him.  Thank you to everyone who has ever been there for me when I needed them.  I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, and I am so excited to get myself back on my feet and back out into the world, and to start paying back some of the favors that I owe.

I'm not giving up, I am going to move out.  I can't afford it now, but I'm going to make it affordable, because I'm an adult, and as tricky as it can seem, taking responsibility for your life is not impossible.  I'm going to take a deep breath, find a paying job to get me through the next few months, and then follow my dreams on my own dime.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -Maria Robinson

(this is a repeat photo, because sunrises just make me feel so empowered!) 

Thanks for listening...well...reading.