optimism

when i look back now its almost funny, how easy it was for me to be optimistic in peace corps.  that serial optimism of college and peace corps and whenever else i had it feels like its deserting me.  i mean seriously, in mauritania i found a putrefied rat carcass inside the foam of my bed and we all had a good laugh about it, scraped it off, and then i slept on that bed and was thankful for it, even though it stunk to high heaven.  when a spider the size of my hand fell from my ceiling and starting racing around my room, i collected myself, and took it as a challenge, to face my fears and find that spider myself!  when i spent 4 days in taxis or broken down on the side of the road on a journey that, with proper roadways and vehicles, should have taken about 10 hours, i made friends with my fellow passengers, told stories about sea monsters, slept on roadsides and in the back of cars, and soldiered onward until i could get back to my site and share my adventures with pride.  

what happened to that here?  why is it that all of a sudden a little thing like my supervisor getting laid off and an uncomfortable work environment are shaking my normally steady optimism?  

for two years now there has been no plan in my life, no forethought, just impulse, and as a result, very little continuity.  Since i graduated from college, i have lived in 4 places on 2 continents and 3 coasts, been to 3 countries and 18 states, spoken at least pieces of 7 languages, gone on 4 road trips, visited dozens of friends, applied for hundreds of jobs (worked 4), taken thousands of photos, met many new faces, seen many new things, baked my first cheesecake (and my 2nd through my 5th), learned to cook without a recipe, made my own potato chips, taught myself how to knit, become penpals with my grandma, snowshoed in the desolation wilderness of lake tahoe, learned the history of the sierra nevada, backpacked through southeastern senegal, collected and eaten wild mushrooms, started my first (albeit very small) garden, learned to identify ferns, stayed in a beach house in senegal, crossed the continent in my little red car, started sewing my first quilt, climbed ski slopes just to get cell phone service, walked a 5 mile round trip to walmart to buy a single plate, painted feet on sneakers, become a brunette, held a monkey, presented a model of a watershed to 100 kindergarten students, given up vegetarianism, catered a christmas party, tailgated my first NFL game, and so much more.  i have a list of 100 things i want to do before i die, and in these last 2 years i have checked more things off of that list than in the previous 22.  so optimism, i don't know where you've been off to, but i'm going to need you back.  having you around has been pretty good to me! 

sometimes you just have to stop, and make that list for yourself.  it doesn't have to be things you've done, it can be people you love, things you're thankful for, reasons why you are lucky to be you, it doesn't matter, as long as you finish it with a smile and an "i can do this" attitude.  

my chocolate wrapper says it all.  keep your chin up, all the smiles you need are already in your heart!

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