Life moves quickly, things change, people change, things are not always what they seem. This weekend I lost a friend, a wonderful and well-loved person. Life got in his way, he was lost and unable to see what he meant to all of those around him, and we forgot to make time to show him. Several years ago I lost another friend in a similar set of circumstances, he too was crushed by what I can only imagine felt like an unshakable weight, an insurmountable wall. Both times that my life was colored by these tragedies I was taken completely by surprise - I literally had no idea that these friends we feeling as hopeless and alone as they must have been. It hurts me to know that my friends were hurting and I could not see it, I feel blind. In a world where technology has created a false sense of connectedness, you are able to feel close to your friends without being close, geographically. I realize now that I have "friends" whom I haven't spoken to in years and yet I know what they're doing because I visit their blogs or facebook pages every so often. I feel that I still know them but I do not, I felt that I still knew him, but I did not.
Why is it so hard to show we care? Why is it so hard to show we're hurting? Why is it so hard to ask for help? Why does this world make some people choose death over life? Both of the friends that I have lost were some of the most caring and loving people I have ever known, to me, and to others. They were the givers, the supporters, the ones with such open hearts that they could understand the difficulties of their friends as if they were their own. In hindsight I wonder what a burden that must have been for them, feeling all of my pain on top of all of their own. In hindsight I wonder if they ever felt that I was there for them in the way that I felt that they were there for me; I wonder, did they even know how much I appreciated how they were there for me?
In tragedy one can lose themselves in questions of why and what-if, of did they know's and how come's. The brain likes questions, it wants to solve problems; and when faced with an unsolvable problem, an irreplaceable loss, the questions continue, because they have no answer. The greatest question that loss always inspires is "did they know how much I loved them?" Love is a funny word today, the "L" word has acquired a strange weight that seems to make people afraid to use it liberally; which is sad because liberal use of the word is something many people need more than ever right now. I love all of my friends, but I don't tell them that often, not nearly as often as I should. We say things like "I love my new car" and "I love my new phone" but somehow we shy away from that word in relationships outside of immediate family and serious romantic partners. What are we afraid of?
Life is fickle, it can come and go in an instant. Make time to be with those you love, be there for those who need you, tell people what they mean to you, and most of all let them help you when you need help. Answer those questions that loss inspires now, so that they do not hang over you, unanswered, somewhere in your future.
ED May 19th, 1986 - May 12, 2012
ML May 6th, 1983 - Nov 27th, 2005
I love you both, more than I ever told you...I hope somehow you know that now.
To any of my friends (even those I haven't met yet), if you are ever hurting tell me. If you are ever lonely, call me. If you are feeling hopeless, show me. I will never laugh at you, only with you. I will never belittle your problems, I promise. I will listen to all you need to say. You are not alone, you are never hopeless, you are forever loved.
Visit the International Suicide Prevention Wiki to find resources in your local area.
